Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Namaste
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.