I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
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Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.