Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
You are not alone 💚
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.