Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*seductively corrects your posture*
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.