I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
You Might Also Like
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.