*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
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Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
you will never know the true number of layers
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.