Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
WHY would you be happy about this?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
goldfish mafia
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.