[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
There’s never enough good news
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.