11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
This meal prepping shit easy
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame