“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
FINE, I WON’T.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time