Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
is this how new cars are made??
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
God making man in his image was the original selfie
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.