No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
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Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.