I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
No chill.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office