Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
You Might Also Like
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant