My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
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[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Dammit Chief not again
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.