Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Perfect.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?