Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
You Might Also Like
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?