My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
You Might Also Like
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.