Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.