FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
You Might Also Like
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I finally found a reason to live again.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
You wish you had this many chins.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY