“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
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[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
How funny!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel