ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
You Might Also Like
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.