*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Don’t touch that.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.