If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know