8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk