Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
You Might Also Like
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Not all heroes wear capes….
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you