I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
You Might Also Like
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
stand with me against insufficient seating
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids