*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
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The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine