My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Only Americans understand
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets