Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
You Might Also Like
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said