The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
This is sending me to another galaxy
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
💻🤡
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.