ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.