you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
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We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Me driving through Toronto
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.