Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
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No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Teach your children to beatbox
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I’d hang this in my house.
Always 🥴
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*