“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it