Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
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Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.