My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
You Might Also Like
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Perfection.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
The answer is funnier than the question
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.