Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Going into Monday like
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Education is vital
The Punning Dead.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.