The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit