What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
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There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.