T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
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Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me, reading some of your tweets
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
A woman drives into a bar.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts