“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
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I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Seek kebab; not attention
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
absolutely not