In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Breaking news:
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
kevin is now a local weatherman
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place