Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
new shirt idea
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.