As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”