[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there