My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Sponch
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking