Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
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everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I’m calling the cops.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.