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Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
get you a girl who
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.