Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
just left a huge legacy in there
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests